Lately, with writing about love and marriage I have found myself struggling. Of course, this can be contributed to the day to day struggles of attempting to write while being a full-time dad, husband and holding an actual 9-5 job. But, this battle has been more than that, I can only describe the fight as the inability to build momentum into writing what is relevant to relationships, love, and marriage as a whole. Recently, I identified the key issue in the fight to write. The issue is me.
I have been attempting to write from a perspective which I had long believed was as unique to me as it is close. I have decided to abandon this approach altogether. So what caused me to reach the conclusion to throw every note I had taken away and begin anew? I had failed.
I had failed to reach my audience, failed to create substantial change, failed to shift paradigms, and ultimately, failed to reach myself in my own writing.
I have always been a believer of the husbandman becoming the first partaker of his own fruit, but my belief was never placed into practice. Time and time again I would fail to invest in myself. I would spend hours attempting to write meaningful material for other people whom I hoped would be my audience. I had lost sight of the path which enlightens me as I enlighten others. I continued in this facade to the point it had become a habitual offender to which I owed myself an explanation and offered none. I rationalized the lack of accountability with my thoughts of some personal flaw which I felt the offense had been made manifest from within me. I blamed myself continually to the point it was the comfortable blanket of self-doubt and loathing in which I rested all of my thoughts, time and investments into.
I had a desire to help others with their marriages and yet all the while, I suffered silently in my own. There was nothing wrong in my marriage, my wife beautiful and loving of ten years, loyal and faithful, was completely invested in me. Any issues we had were few and far between and those we did were resolved by communication with one another. Yet as much as I am invested in her, fully willing to go above and beyond for anything she and my daughter asked for, I was not so much invested in myself.
This same effect also had bled over into my writing and it was at this moment while I stared at the screen and looking myself in the digital mirror that I could not recognize myself in the sea of words and work which now have been laid before me. Who was I in all of this and did the “me” as myself truly exist or did I manage to build a persona of a “me” I hoped to be but could never see myself as. The only thing I saw in this reflection of my worth was the subject which I was writing about had not betrayed, my hope in what was to come. I had faithfully stayed on the path of my innate desire to help others understand what love and marriage really was. But I had not considered myself in the equation, I was building a formula of information which I would never use or apply. I was becoming the very thing which caused me to write in the first place. I was giving answers to questions which I did not believe, and I was writing to a heart which was “right” by the social mirror but grieved the very essence of my conscience and my belief of marriage.
Therefore, if I have spoken to you, written to you, or communicated to you in any form or fashion any of the previous, I would like you to consider this my apology to you. My failure as an individual as hindered my ability to share the truth with the collective and thus, I have failed you as well. I have learned many things in life and among them I have come to understand, that failure is not final, but it is only the beginning. And for us, it will be the beginning of a new chapter in life, and in the life of the material, I publish going forward. It is the beginning of my own personal self-investment, partaking of the first of my own fruit before sharing it with the masses, and those who need it. We will rebuild the walk of trust anew and from the ashes of the previous and now destroyed work, we will share in the abundance of the future together in this new generation. Thank you for walking with me thus far, I pray we make it together to our destinations.
-Kenneth M. Boggs Jr.
Husband. Author. Father.